Guilt

One of my compadres recently suggested that I write an article on guilt. Many people are feeling guilty about not maintaining their resolutions either to themselves or to others.

Firstly, what is guilt? Of course, we all know that guilt is that heavy feeling in the pit of our stomachs which occurs after we do, or perhaps even just think, something immoral, illegal, etc.

Freud defined guilt as moral anxiety. He divided an individual’s psyche into the Id, the Ego, and the Superego. Anxiety generated by the Superego or conscience is called guilt. Freud viewed the Superego as that part of the individual’s mental makeup formed out of fear of parental punishment.

Then, after the child gets older, all of the moral lessons taught by teachers, religious leaders, television, etc. are internalized into the child’s Superego. These comprise the many “should” or “ought” tapes, which cause us to feel guilt.

I spend a great deal of my time in therapy helping people to blame themselves less for occurrences over which they had little or no control.

The rest of my time is spent with individuals at the opposite end of the continuum who feel that other people are entirely responsible for their troubles. “You’re driving me crazy.”

Guilt-prone women are easy to identify. In general, they tend to have compulsively clean houses and spend a great deal of time removing spots and specks (sins). The problem is, in the real world, messes do happen, people do “sin”, and we all have blemishes in one place or another.

My favorite saying about guilt comes from a book called Successful Marriage. “Guilt is good, but only if it lasts no longer than five minutes and leads to a change in behavior.”

The author goes on to give a frequent example of “bad” guilt. “I want a divorce, but my wife (husband) could not handle it, so I must continue this joyless, loveless farce. I could never forgive myself if I left her/him, and even feel guilty about thinking about leaving.”

A similar example is with spouses who stay together “for the sake of the kids.” Instead of honestly admitting that they are afraid they will be unable to succeed on their own, that they are vulnerable, needy people, such parents remain guilty, miserable people – angry at themselves and whomever they view as the albatross around their neck weighing them down.

A great deal of the guilt relates back to early childhood teachings. We are taught through toilet training that being in control is very important and very good. Therefore, when we blame ourselves for things gone wrong, we are still deluding ourselves that we are in control, that we screwed up. Believing we have the control is reassuring but emotionally expensive, and of course not realistic in every situation.

Most experts agree that guilt is related to anger at others. Depression is often defined as anger towards others turned upon oneself. David Viscott has even defined depression as guilt that won’t go away.

Guilt is sometimes perceived, not only as a way to atone for one’s sins but as a way to hurt someone else. Children or childish people often try to induce guilt feelings in order to hurt parents/parental figures or to attract their attention more effectively.

The Hamilton Rating Scale is a common clinical tool for assessing depression. One whole section deals with guilt. Questions on it include the following:

“Have you a low opinion of yourself? Have you blamed yourself for things done in the past or recently? Have you felt you let your friends and family down? Is your condition a punishment?”

I attempt to teach my clients that they should react to situations involving a moral dilemma with a sensitivity to situation and context. Intelligent and mentally growing people resist generalizing about what they would do or what should be done. Instead, they delay making decisions and taking action until they analyze all of the particulars of a situation. Moral decisions should be based on practical considerations and caring concern for all involved parties rather than some emotional archaic rule or abstract ideal.

When my clients learn to use logic primarily to evaluate their thoughts and actions, it alleviates useless remnants of guilt feelings, which have hung on since childhood, probably induced by their parents. Such self-actualizing people are also less vulnerable to individuals who try to manipulate them by using guilt.

I will conclude with a word of caution. True change occurs slowly over a lengthy period of time and even then only with concerted effort. My readers should not expect to be able to expunge their guilt feelings overnight. Insight is not the total answer. It is, however, a necessary beginning.