Holiday Depression

“’Tis the season to be jolly,” goes a popular Christmas carol. However, many people in our microwave society experience deep depressions associated with the advent of the holiday season.

Depression can be equated with a sense of loss. The Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays are regarded as occasions for family gatherings, but many individuals who do not have close family ties will experience poignant psychological pain, as reminders of the familiar aspects of the holidays bombard them via the media. Some people also have experienced the loss of important family members that they associate with the holidays.

Considerable distances, even countries, if not states, now separate many families that would have traveled down the short road to rejoin relatives and friends from their youth in the relatively non-mobile world that existed even 50 years ago.

The economy also has had a tremendous impact in splitting apart loved ones. We must go where the work is, even if that means leaving the people and places that form our roots.

Commuter relationships are a symbol of our mobile times. In these relationships, husband and wife may work in different cities and maintain different dwellings, coming together only on weekends, holidays, and special occasions.

Many families are emotionally and psychically separated in less extreme ways than the commuter relationships. I read some statistics the other day that indicated that over 50% of all wives work. Meaning that hubby can’t rely on his wife being at home to handle household chores and to have a hot supper on the table when he comes home. More importantly, home is no longer the place where he can look forward to his loved one awaiting his coming at the end of the day. It is as likely to be an empty house.

However, I feel that most holiday depressions are due more to a sense of psychological separation from one’s family rather than due to distance or economical factors.

Over and over, I hear my clients state how they have struggled to have their parents and their siblings accept them as competent adults rather than as impotent children. Even in “normal” families the homeostatic message from the family is “Don’t change. You may have problems, but we know how to treat you. If you change, we’ll have to change, too.”

Family holidays force the individuals in the family to come face to face with changes, not only in other members but also in themselves. Other family members are used as yardsticks by which a longitudinal comparison of oneself is possible. “Have I become prettier or stronger or wealthier or most honest than I used to be?”

The more we mature, the clearer or more objectively we can see our family members. “Now, I see Mom as a weak person who tries to get us to do things her way by making us feel guilty. I used to think she could do no wrong.” However, the more objectively we see our family, the more we are likely to experience depression associated with a loss of the naïve, childish belief in the omnipotence of our family, especially of our parents.

To summarize, I think the largest cause of holiday depressions is the result of a sense of lack of sharing, either due to the physical absence of loved ones or to psychological changes which have distanced two intimates from one another. Many people will even become depressed around Christmastime because they feel a sense of emptiness in their relationships when they compare themselves to the “ideal” relationship or their ideal relationship with the reality. “My wife gave me a Timex watch, but I was expecting a Porsche!” “How come our family can’t get along like Bill Cosby’s at Christmastime?”

Solving the problem of a holiday depression involves using the same techniques as for any sort of reactive depression. The human mind has many different potential coping mechanisms that can be used to our advantage. Denial, repression, projection, and selective perception can be used in healthy ways at times.

When people allow themselves to become depressed, they are using selective perception to focus on negative aspects of the events in their lives. Although it takes conscious effort, these people can begin to focus on and appreciate the more positive aspects of their lives. I truly believe every cloud has a silver lining, although sometimes it’s difficult to see the edges. For example, “I know my mother and I aren’t as close as we used to be, we disagree more, but I sure feel more mature and independent around her now than I used to.”

The first Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday season following a divorce can be particularly traumatic, unless the divorced person remembers how miserable he/she felt that last Christmas spent with the spouse. There is no loneliness worse than that experienced during a holiday around someone you used to love, but who has become an emotional stranger to you.

Focus on the positive aspects of the situation, not the negative. With the divorce comes a freedom to explore and develop your personality. With the divorce comes a freedom to explore and develop your personality. Now you can go skiing for the holidays or travel down to warmer climates, or perhaps just say at home and rest instead of being dragged someplace to do something you really don’t want to do. Any situation can be looked at in at least two different ways. Is the glass half empty or half full?

I think that giving of yourself, in time and energy if you can’t afford the money, can be an effective aid to resolving a holiday depression. Christmas is a terrific time to give to others, to show your loved ones, friends, and business associates, how much you appreciate them. I enjoy giving and I especially enjoy Christmas because it is a socially sanctioned time when I can give to people without receiving perplexed looks or having people wonder about my underlying motivations.

The second part of giving is allowing yourself to feel good about it rather than rationalizing or minimizing the importance of one’s gifts. Again, your psyche can work for or against you. You have the ability to control how you perceive a situation. As one of my enlightened clients stated, “The feeling lasts only as long as I allow it to last.”

Finally, remember that the holidays are times when you have the opportunity to give and to grow, not just to fend off a sense of loss/depression. The Christmas tree lights will be as bright or as dim as you make them.